Within weeks of moving in to the farmhouse flat I had transitioned outside work, although I never heard Mike referring to me as "she" or "her" he started to occasionally call me "dear" and even "sweetheart" - initially to the shock of us both and then as our private joke.  But at work I still dressed fairly conventionally as I decided after a few small experiments that the risk of confrontation and mutual embarrassment wasn’t worth the benefits.

I tried hard way not to panic when buying female items, forcing myself to relax.  I gradually realised that the store staff didn't care, and if they had read me as a man and had a slight chuckle - did it really matter?  However I'll never forget one early incident when I was browsing the lingerie section in Marks & Spencer.  An over-helpful male Shop Assistant insisted on helping me to choose what on the spur of the moment became a sexy bra for a supposed girlfriend, but as I stuttered over his questions, went bright red, and got ever more embarrassed, it was all to clear that he knew it was really for me.  Going back in to that shop a week later wearing that bra was an "I don't give a damn" move.  After that experience I refused to let myself be self-conscious about buying femme items. 

At this critical juncture my luck failed - I got made redundant. [As ten other people who had started at the same time as me were also made redundant, I'm fairly sure that this was due to a genuine lack of work rather than any concern about my rumoured private life.]

Wasted Years
I wasn’t quite ready and self-confident enough to face my family as a girl, so when I had to return home to live with my mother for a period I got my hair cut and throw out many (and cumulatively very expensive) difficult-to-explain items.  I will always bitterly regret not going full-time at this critical juncture, particularly as I now know that my Mum would have been very supportive.  If I had known some other T-girls, they may have provided the extra moral support that I needed to "go for it".  But this was before the Internet explosion and TG Support groups were still rare and hard to find.

The next years were a huge and sad waste.  I just took the easy route and used the demands of my job as a reason to defer anything other than a lot of wishful thinking.

Second Try
In 1994 I got a new job and moved to the Middle East.  Once again I was desperate to develop as a woman and Annie was soon born. 

In May 1994 I began to take female hormones which I had discovered were freely available locally.  I experimented hugely but progress was quite slow as I sometimes stopped taking the pill for months several months as my mind, heart and body argued about my gender.  However all seemed to become clear in late 1996 when I met Lindsey, the first of two girl-girls who have had a big influence on my life.  On our very first "date" the discussion soon became about transsexuals; she had a great interest in the topic and it was amazingly easy to open up to her. 

Within days we were talking on the phone as though she had known me all my life as Annie.  Supported by her positive attitude I began to work hard to achieve my best feminine appearance and persona.  Whilst passing as a woman may have been relatively easy for me at age 21, unfortunately the passage of time doesn't favour the dithering transsexual woman.  But the slightly scary magic of a constant hormone regimen, plus months of hard dieting and exercise, slowly resulted in me gaining a far more female physical appearance. 

Most of my early public appearances as Annie were when Lydnsey insisted on dragging me out for the night - ladies were in very short supply and got free entrance and often free drinks at bars & clubs, so my agreeing to go en femme saved us a fortune!  I soon had no choice but go as Annie to our regular haunts - girls were remembered and I would have been out'ed, particularly if with Lydnsey. 

From a friend who knew me as a man and met me as a woman

I would go over to her villa at perhaps 8 pm and it would sometimes be midnight before we headed out - when the bottle of whatever was empty!  Years of cobwebs were brushed away and I redeveloped my own "face" and style as regards makeup, jewellery and clothes.  Her parents appeared to just ignore the goings on - but several years later her father told me that they had agonized over how to address me for a party invite. 

Because of my slowly developing bust I had long favoured wearing loose shirts and baggy jumpers, and had avoided being seen topless - e.g. swimming became impossible.  But by early 1997 my breasts had become difficult to disguise and I'll never forget two giggling and tipsy girls telling me when supposedly in male mode "you need a bra" - embarrassing and wonderful at the same time.  The upside was that as Annie I felt able to show off my bust, and as the bra padding was discarded I stopped panicking when I had my boobs groped - accidentally or otherwise.

Lydnsey changed my life, apologies for the damaged photo.

Although initially nervous and self-conscious when going out at night as Annie, I was forced to quickly learn how to handle men because the chat-ups were continuous.  Constantly flattered, I soon had no doubts about my ability to pass as a woman.  I would often pick out a safe looking guy early on and then keep him in tow (or later sit on his lap) to help fend off the others.  Some nights were great and I began to relax and enjoy the attention, others became a nightmare as the loud music, dim lights and drink encouraged unwanted intimacy even on my last resort of the dance floor.  Lyndsey often rescued me (and me her) but still plenty of stories to tell on our nights out.  For example, one night - as the Night Club began to close - the word went round the regulars that Public Security were waiting at the exit and female officers were checking every girl for her 'authenticity'.  I grabbed an American sailor (literally!) who couldn't believe his luck as we were waved through the exit by the police, although his bounty then ended with a final kiss.  Probably my being a westerner had helped a lot as the next day the local newspaper revealed that six Asian's had been deported for unacceptable social behaviour, i.e. 'female impersonation'. 

Another memorable experience was someone giving me "a lift home" late one night, when we reached his flat "for a coffee" I flopped down exhausted and rather drunk on a rug.  I rather liked him and we had some pleasant snogging before I finally realised what was next as he started to try to pull down my tights.  In some panic I headed for the door, but I been enjoying everything up to that point.  In a moment of total lunacy I went back round the next night, thankfully he was out.

In early 1997 I was still working and living as a man but my increasingly androgynous looks and behaviour began to cause confusion, interestingly far more frequently with men then women.  I was also shaving my legs but this was another potential issue, wearing shorts in public now meant having to pass as a western girl - and facing the risk of meeting an acquaintance who knew me as a man.

A New Life
I was far from prepared for transition, but events suddenly had a momentum of their own.  After a hectic few weeks of organising the end of my old life and the beginning of my new, I flew to England on the 14th December 2000.  On my passport I was still "Male" and so I arrived at Heathrow for the last time (please God) as a man, but thanks to a lengthy session in a disabled toilet and a pre-prepared MasterCard I checked in to my Hotel as a stylish(?!) young(?!) Miss - very self conscious but elated.  My first test was avoiding the inclusive full breakfast because of my dieting!

I spent two weeks finding somewhere to live and sorting myself out, I had to cope with a huge change in my life and even everyday activities were rather frightening and intimidating at first, but as the days passed I slowly relaxed and eventually began to feel confident enough to chat and socialise a little when people talked to me.  I found London to be seriously expensive, partly because of all my essential shopping.  Now that I was living day-in day-out as a woman I found myself needing a much bigger wardrobe of clothes, shoes, jewellery, bags, accessories, et al. - in a few weeks I had to spend what most women would over several years.

After New Year it was in to work.  My alarm was set for 5:00 am so I that could go through a ridiculously long morning routine and then commute in.  It was an enormously stressful and worrying time, not helped by almost immediately realising that I had been "out'ed" as a transsexual.   My contract was for only three months and it was not renewed, I consoled myself that it was a start and a big step. 

In early April I joined a computer company in Ireland.  This was an interesting job supporting their large accounts and overseas agents, I fitted in better and got on well with my colleagues and key customers.  I slowly become less self conscious, but unfortunately business was badly hit by the tragic events of 11th September 2001.  The company closed its Dublin office at the end of November and I was again made redundant. 

At both these organisations my CV, qualifications and references had clearly revealed my background and despite promises that "aspects" would remain confidential, perhaps inevitably it soon became widely known that I was a transsexual.  This caused a few problems, particularly in the early days at the Bank when I was still far from confident as Annie, but for good or bad it also ensured that I was well known - everyone knew me by name!

My personal life was also very hectic during this period.  In October 2001 my boyfriend (emphasis still on the "friend") of about four months persuaded me to go on holiday with him.  I couldn't sleep the night before with worry, but it began to feel a bit special as we held hands on the aircraft for take-off.

When we arrived at the hotel his promise of separate rooms became one room with a double bed - to my very mixed feelings.  For the first time since my transition I was expected to look and behave as a girl for every minute of every day in every way, but with a wine fuelled 'what the heck' I actually relaxed and stopped worrying.  I found myself loving being someone's girlfriend, I began to seek and enjoy intimate "silly girl" and ultra-feminine moments.  It was wonderful having a man looking after me, paying the bills, telling me how beautiful I was and ... well ...  to cuddle up to and tease and kiss whenever I felt like it.  The holiday was a new and unforgettable experience that I'll always treasure - among other things I just had to visit Aphrodite's Bath and we also went to several monasteries, one of which I couldn't enter because I was a woman - which made my day!  I finally began to believe and feel that I was indeed a woman; and the memory helped sustain me in the months to come.

Back home we went our separate ways again.  I was at a loose-end and rather down because of my redundancy when in mid-December 2001 my boyfriend - I'll call him "Martin" - suggested that I should move in with him.  Despite another mental panic, this time I didn't resist too hard, even though it meant moving down to Cork - and during our negotiations I gained a credit card and a promise that we shared the housework.  The former he's always paid without complaint, but the second promise he soon broke. 

When I arrived at his house I sat outside for half an hour, trying to gain courage to start a new chapter in my life.  The day I arrived was his work Xmas Party - where my participation in a Lovely Legs competition was not optional, but to be fair he later had to "joust" for my Maidenly favours.  Despite his winning my hand in gallant fashion, a severe dose of reality began to creep in over the following days, and it was initially rather hard for us to adjust to living together as a couple.

Soon after arriving in Cork I had a short and rather disastrous period as a Teacher's Assistant at a small Nursery School.  On impulse I had phoned in response to an advert, and was offered the job after a rather cursory interview by a desperate Principle.  It seemed a good idea at the time as I felt that I wanted to work with children, but my timing was poor - I was having laser hair removal treatment and was about to have breast augmentation.  I never really fitted in and the situation became impossible when the other teachers realised that I was a transsexual and reacted rather badly to that.  The experience was also rather a set back to my burgeoning maternal instincts, children and even motherhood suddenly became far less attractive!